Black Friday Month

For those of us who think the pumpkins should have been put away at the end of October, and who are thankful mainly that we at least have a brief opportunity to elect a leader without a deranged guinea pig on his head, one of the enduring mysteries is the origin and point of Black Friday. Partly this is because Black Friday appears to have started weeks ago (on a Monday) if some retailers are to be believed and partly because no one knows quite why it’s Black anyway.

So with Christmas fast approaching it is best to be organised and take advantage of the sales extravaganza that is here...after all there are so many stories of people fighting for bargains that there must be something in it...

So taking advantage of Amazon’s fiesta of ‘bargains’ my nearest and dearest are in for a rare treat this festive season. So far I have managed to secure a half price Dremel, a box of Scampi Fries at a 30% discount and 40% off a 3D jigsaw of the Taj Mahal...Santa is an amateur...

Getting chippy...

So today’s great culinary question relates to one of life’s issues that can divide friends and destroy families...what should you have with chips?

Now let me explain what I mean by this. Imagine that fish and chips have gone through a messy divorce and that we are looking for a suitable partner for something quick and dirty (possibly also involving a buttered bap). The great debate really centres around whether or not it is reasonable to smother chips with gravy, as appears to be popular in my home town or is it that chips partnered with gravy is a bit like the culinary equivalent of a divorcee with very low self esteem taking up with the first warm body that they come into contact with, the result being a sloppy mess.

The culinary delights of the local chippy allow for the addition of beans, curry sauce or mushy peas to the equation.  One of the early warning signs that someone may eventually develop tendency towards mass murder or an obsession with creating crocheted miniature animals is that they would have a chip and mushy pea sandwich. This has been recognised as a key indicator by Europol and the FBI for decades and it is rumoured that this reference was specifically removed from the original script of ‘The Silence of the Lambs’ after protestations from Quantico.

So kids next time you have this debate remember that Ted Bundy liked mushy peas...

Jay Rayner does hospital food: part 1

So one of the side effects about spending a week in hospital with Mrs F in ostensibly a coma, is that I have had the opportunity to enjoy the gourmet delights of hospital food. Now let me explain something before I start. I am a veteran of many hospital and hospice visiting campaigns, with medals received for action all over the country. The particular highlight up until now has to have been South Tyneside hospital Christmas Eve 2013, when four of us were almost taken out by a fusillade of sprouts that were so hard that the Heimlich manoeuvre and emergency dentistry was required.

So cut to today and your correspondent was lucky enough to be offered the delectable ‘Texas style chilli’. Firstly full disclosure, I travel to the US a lot, for my sins (or work as it is more commonly known) and was in Houston a mere 3 weeks ago so I feel that I am in a position of authority to act as judge of this culinary masterwork, planning to forward a full review to the Times, Telegraph, Washington Post and Beano.

The first impression of the restaurant’s signature dish was not favourable due to the fact that it was completely composed of vegetables. Now I am a chap who is in touch with my inner vegan so I have no particular axe to grind here but my recollection of my various visits to Texas largely revolve around large amounts of meat whether it be steaks, barbecue or Tex-Mex, so it was not a good start. The second flaw in the plan is the debate over the inclusion of courgettes, a vegetable that I cannot possibly think of a single use for unless you need something to fill an unfortunately shaped gap.

But most egregiously the overall impression was to remind me of my mum’s attempts at 1980s favourite ratatouille, which sounded dead fancy and foreign but was just whatever veg we had that went with chopped tomatoes. Actually come to think of it marketing it like that may actually appeal to the ‘vintage clothing’ (old shit we through out) wearing, wonky haired, beard oil using crowd. Put it in an inappropriate container and get it to a posh restaurant now...

Absolute shitter...

So Mrs F, the world’s premier impersonator of Monty Python’s Black Knight has landed herself in a bit of a pickle. Despite insisting that she was OK really, when her breathing starting to sound like Darth Vader at the end of a marathon trying to breathe through a miniature metal pipe, it turns out that she has chronic pneumonia and as we speak is in Intensive Care having had 2 litres of gunge removed from her chest. We were in a very dark place on Sunday but we are still pedalling two days later. There is a long and dark road ahead but at least we have avoided the cliff edge for now...

While the outlook is not great at the moment the care she is receiving is second to none and the staff here are absolute superheroes.  How hard these folk work is absolutely beyond belief. I wouldn’t go to war for Queen and country but would tomorrow for the NHS...

On the bright side Mrs F has inspired people to pray in about 20 countries, at least 10 languages and most major religions. Now not being a believer myself I am not sure how this works...do they cancel each other out? Does a priest’s prayer count double? Answers on a postcard please. I assume that so long as you are not praying to the Kardashians they all end up at the same place though...That said she has managed to unify the world in a way that The Holy Father could only wish to, so when she pulls through I expect to see white smoke rising from the Vatican chimney and dancing at The Wailing Wall...

Guess who’s back...

So after a 6 year hiatus the decision has been taken to attempt a return to the land of rant. Probably the majority of people who used to follow this and find it amusing are either dead or incarcerated now but given the current tide of public opinion there are clearly enough fellow travellers to the grave who may raise a smile to what goes on here.

Can’t promise it’ll all be gold but even a shit shoveler can get lucky...